I was not born in Berlin, but I grew up here; I spent all my milestones here and being Berliner defined me. If someone would have told me 5 years ago that I’d happily leave everything behind in Berlin, I would have laughed and said “no way”!
Yet here I am with my entire life in 8 moving boxes.
Leaving this city for good in less than 3 weeks.
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I remember flying with Mom to Moscow and sitting in the train heading for Berlin. I didn’t even know where it was, I just knew that’s where my Dad is. When I first came to Berlin in 1990, I thought I’m in heaven. For a 6 years old poor girl from Saigon… all the trains, all the stuffed animals, dolls and candies in the store equals heaven.
I remember meeting my God-family for the first time and couldn’t eat what ever they were serving: dark bread, cheese, potato.. what the heck are those? Where is my rice? Until now we still make jokes of 6 years old Anh only eating plain white toast and puff-rice-crackers.
Growing up in the eastern part of Berlin wasn’t easy for some foreigners. There were so many problems with Vietnamese gangs and abduction, killings, and racism. I’m grateful for the Berlin that open its wide arms to protect me from all that. I did not face any racism, neither on the streets nor in schools. I had amazing classmates and teachers that helped me and loved me. Throughout my time in Berlin I’ve never, honestly, had the feeling I’m different unless I looked into the mirror.
In hindsight, many things could have been the reason why I can’t wait to move out of Berlin now. Is it because I didn’t move to the UK or Sweden for my PhD in stem cell research that I wanted to pursuit, but decided not to because I was young, a fool and blindly in love with the wrong person? Is it because after knowing many expats I opened my eyes on how “white” of a society we still are and how much we complain here? Is it because I have changed and take things for granted? Is it because of the time I felt like the biggest failure and suffered depression, that made me want to leave everything behind and run away, but couldn’t because of my oh-I-hate-you-so-much-unfinished PhD? I don’t know.. it could be all of the above.
Before you telling me how crazy I am for leaving such a social country and great city, and how other people wish for a life like mine..bla bla bla, I am aware of that. I just know my time here has ended, for now.
It’s not because Berlin is awful. I would recommend Berlin to anyone anytime, again and again. I’m grateful for it to be my home city: a poor and rundown city in the 90’s, a progressive diverse city now. It is social, it is artsy, it is fun, it is lively, it is open-minded, it is affordable, it is beautiful, it is green, it has lots of problems like any other big city.
There is just this urge of leaving, that has been growing immensely these last 2 years. Maybe I’m being a spoiled privileged brat knowing Berlin will always has its arms wide open to welcome me back – just like the parents that will always take you back no matter how much of a success or failure you are.
Who knows, the Earth is round, maybe one day I’ll realise you were the place for me, after all. But for now, I need to leave to pursuit my happiness, to be a better me.
Berlin, I love you. I will miss you. I will think of you often and try to visit you from time to time.
I thank you for everything!
Anhni Pham 